I sat alone, staring into the darkness of the basement. It was the moment that changed my life for eternity, set against the 1970s sepia backdrop of wood paneling and shag carpet coating every inch of the stairwell. Like the sea of brown that surrounded me, the details are blurry—I was only three years old—but my conversation with God is a clear memory. I said, “God, I don’t want to go to hell. Please forgive my sins and save me. I want to always live for you.” I was young and understood little, but I was sincere.
My childhood remained relatively unremarkable. It was what you probably envision of the stereotypical small-town Christian family experience. But under the surface, behind my genuine contentment, I wondered if I was missing something. There must be more to the Christian life than routines like weekly church attendance and daily Bible reading. Following Jesus must involve more than “no lying, stealing, drunken parties, swearing, cheating on tests, or sex before marriage”.
As the idyllic life of my childhood faded into the past, marriage and motherhood replaced the romance of my youth with real-life challenges. In a few short years, my life of ease and comfort had become a constant series of trials and tribulations—from small things like keeping up with endless laundry to insurmountable things like the unexpected deaths of several dear friends.
All my life, I had dutifully gone through the motions of church involvement, Bible reading, and what I thought was a godly lifestyle. And for what? No matter how hard I try to always do the right thing, adversity never ends. All my striving felt like “chasing the wind” (Ecclesiastes). Honestly, I felt ripped off.
I sought answers in Scripture, but what I read only confirmed my suspicions—I was definitely missing something. Paul’s claim of contentment in all circumstances (Philippians 4:11–12) mystified me. How could I be content in the valley of grief? Job’s demonstration of unwavering faith, despite losing everything and enduring unimaginable suffering (Job 1:21), also perplexed me. Why should I praise God when it seems he’s holding out on me? The psalms promised blessing and fulfilled desires to the faithful (Psalm 1:1–3; 37:4), but I felt burdened instead of blessed, left wanting instead of satisfied.
Fast forward to a Sunday morning years later. I was a blubbering mess as I updated a friend on the trauma our family was walking through. Although my body tingled with anxiety and my heart ached with sadness every moment of every day, my tears were not of sorrow. No, they spilled from a heart overflowing with the riches of God’s grace. Satisfaction doesn’t even begin to convey what it felt like. I couldn’t explain this paradox to my friend, so instead of trying to describe the indescribable, I borrowed Paul’s words from Philippians 3:8—”everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” In other words, knowing Jesus surpasses everything else; it matters to me more than anything else. Nothing is more fulfilling, satisfying, or valuable to me than knowing him.
So, what changed? What transformed me from a devout yet discontented Christian into a delighted one?
The truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ changed me. Three-year-old me understood that I needed Jesus to save me from the punishment for sin, but it took many more years and learning how to study the Bible for adult me to understand the glory of the Gospel in each moment.
Bible study principles, such as the importance of context and using a simple word study to grasp the intended meaning of the words shifted my approach to Scripture and helped me realize that Paul’s contentment didn’t stem from a change in his circumstances, but rather from his communion with Christ. Job’s faith was unwavering in the midst of his suffering because he knew God and trusted his goodness instead of relying on a legalistic formula for success. I finally understood that the fulfillment experienced by the psalmist wasn’t a result of his own actions but the fruit of his abiding relationship with God.
Every time I opened my Bible, I saw glorious gospel truth—that even though I often fail despite my best efforts, as a disciple of Christ, I may “be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith” (Philippians 3:9). More than that, I get to “know him and the power of his resurrection” (Philippians 3:10).
The good news of our salvation through Jesus Christ is not a promise of an earthly life free of suffering and struggle. God actually promises that Christians will suffer (John 16:33). But he also promises his presence, his victory, and his provision. A life lived through faith in Jesus Christ is a life empowered by his Spirit. As we abide in him, we are nourished and fruitful, satisfied and well-fed even in the valley. .
I still desire to live my life according to God’s will, just as I did when I was three years old. But today, this desire is not motivated by a desire to earn his favor or a self-righteous attempt to prove how great it is to be a Christian. Instead, it’s a joy-filled and heartfelt response to God’s love, grace, and mercy.
Knowing him is what it’s all about. The more I know him, the more I want to know him. And it’s my joy and delight to get to know him a little more each day.
God is always good, his Word is always true, and he is always faithful.
P.S. Do you want to know God more? Try this 30-day Bible reading plan about Who God Is.
